<h2>10 Things You Can Do to Make the Stock Market Drop</h2>
by Geov Parrish & Maria Tomchick

As most sophisticated economic analysts know, the stock market and especially the Dow Jones Index of blue chip indicator stocks move primarily based on something amorphous called"investor confidence." If investors think stocks will go up, they buy; if they think their portfolio is about to suck wind, they sell. It's all a mind game. The most sophisticated economic analysts are actually lower Manhattan psychotherapists.

If the widening gulf between rich and poor in this country is primarily a function of a few wealthy white guys and their mindset, it stands to reason that one of the best things we can all do to work for a more just society is to get these people really depressed. There are, of course, many possible ways to do it. As a public service, ETS! provides ten starting suggestions! Add your own...

1. Start a rumor that Alan Greenspan is dead. For the last six years a sophisticated animatronic robot has been making those identical speeches to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. This explains why it never changes its suit or tie.

2. Hit the stock market where it lives. Get a good-paying job.

3. Admit to having sex with Alan Greenspan, then produce an incriminating article of clothing, such as: dress, tie, shoe, belt, sock, nipple ring, hair piece, diaper, cigar, or push-up pad. Sell lurid stories to tabloids involving Al's enthusiasm for dressing up as"welfare mother."

4. Make the rich pay taxes.

5. Reveal that the Y2K bug really is a bug--a brutal, debilitating, lethal disease that in 15 months will strike millions of people, primarily married white professionals with combined household incomes of over $150,000.

6. In a heavily accented voice, call the Wall Street Journal and tip them off that your country--it doesn't matter which one your country is, really--has decided to not pay any of its debts back. Ever.

7. Take out a classified ad in a lower Manhattan business journal, offering to sell several pounds of weapon-grade plutonium to the best offer. Serious inquiries only.

8. Design a computer program that automatically buys stock and then sells its right away, then buys it back immediately, then sells is again, and repeats this cycle automatically every ten minutes. Market it as a great children's toy for holiday gift-giving.

9. Invent your own country--let's call it Bigbuckistan--and start a stock market for it. Court foreign investors for six months, and then inform them that Bigbuckistan actually does not exist.

10. Create world peace. It's really, really bad for business.

Quelle


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