Board-Ansicht
Mix-Ansicht- An Bord der unsinkbaren U.S.S. Economy - Ein Drama in 4 Akten *Köstlich* - kingsolomon, 25.06.2003, 22:35
An Bord der unsinkbaren U.S.S. Economy - Ein Drama in 4 Akten *Köstlich*
-->Aboard The Unsinkable U.S.S Economic
June 24, 2003
Harry Chernoff is an independent economist in Great Falls, VA
(A Drama in Four Acts)
ACT I - At sea, a short time out of port on the way to New York Harbor
Captain Bush: “First Officer Rove, I understand the captains of some other ships have been asking to see me. Show them in.”
Rove: “Captain Bush, I’d like to present Captains Buffett, Soros, and Rogers.”
Buffett: “Captain Bush, you cannot sail at the present speed on the present course, not with the ice floes ahead.”
Bush: “Darn right we have ice flows ahead. Not much of a party unless the champagne and ice flows. Are you trying to be a party-pooper?”
Buffett: “Captain, you should be sailing at half-speed on a longer, more southerly route.”
Bush: “The long way at half-speed! The first class passengers wouldn’t take too kindly to that. The champagne would run out way before we reached port and I’d be out of a job. What kind of sailing experience did you boys say you had anyway?”
Rogers: “Captain, on this course at this speed, you’ll be lucky to even reach port.”
Bush: “Gentleman, I know sailing and I sure know how champagne and ice flows. (Aside to Mr. Rove) Don’t know much about snow, though. Not much of that where I come from. Mr. Rove, get me Chief Engineer Greenspan in the boiler room.”
Greenspan “Yes, Captain?”
Bush: “Mr. Greenspan, how are the boilers fixin’ for the speed we’re goin’?”
(five minutes later)
Bush: “There you go, fellas. Clear as mud. We were overheating but now we’re underheating so all we’ve got to do is overheat the underheat and it’s steady as she goes.”
Soros: (whispering to Buffett and Rogers): “Do they know what happened after I warned the sailors from England a few years ago?”
Rogers (whispering to Buffett and Soros): “Greenspan knows but he’s not letting on. It’s the only way he can keep his job. We need to warn the passengers.”
Bush (whispering to Rove): “You know, there is no way in the world them boys are gonna make any money in this bidness with their negatory attitude.”
Rove: “Captain, I have some other guests to introduce. I’m not sure of their names but they all wear donkey pins and look alike.”
Bush: “I don’t like donkeys. This better be brief.”
The Donkeys: “Captain, we’d like you to provide champagne for everyone in steerage.”
Bush: (to Rove, loudly) “We have people in steerage??? When did that happen?”
Rove: “It’s standard policy of the shipping line.”
Bush: “Really? And these people are expecting champagne?”
Rove: “From time to time the shipping line permits a modest amount of champagne to trickle down to steerage but not for the foreseeable future.”
Bush: “Darn right not for the foreseeable future.”
The Donkeys: “We think first-class and steerage should share the champagne equally.”
Bush: “And when it runs out?”
The Donkeys: “Then everyone will share the same amount.”
Bush: “So everyone gets everything till no one gets anything. Is that about right?”
The Donkeys: “Almost. If anyone gets nothing because everyone got everything, then we take it away from the people who got more of it in the first place.”
Bush: “Take what away from whom?”
The Donkeys: “Whatever we can from whomever we can. We’re not particular about that part of the plan.”
Bush: “Are you boys sure you’re on the right ship?”
The Donkeys: “So you’re saying there isn’t enough champagne for the people in steerage?”
Rove: “Oh, no. There is plenty of champagne for certain people in steerage, for example, we had some farmers and steelworkers in here the other day and we gave them some. There is just no champagne for your people in steerage.”
Bush: “Exactly. And that’s why I’m Captain and y’all are wearing stupid donkey pins. Why don’t you boys go and do something you know something about, like rearranging the deck chairs. Mr. Rove, is there anybody here who knows how to run a ship?”
Rove: “We make it a policy to employ very few people who know anything about running a ship, sir. They get in each other’s way. However, we do have hundreds of junior officers who have been standing by for a long time hoping to get a word in.”
A Junior Officer: “Captain, we’d like to distribute more champagne to the people in first-class. They’ve worked very hard on this cruise and they deserve it.”
Bush: “You fellas ever met those donkeys in steerage?”
Junior Officer: “Captain, this is an emergency -- we already promised. As for steerage, we’ll tell them it’ll come later. They’ll have to trust us.”
Bush: “Y’all telling me you promised first-class something you don’t have and can’t deliver? And you’re fixin’ to promise the same thing twice over to steerage? Is that about right, son?”
Junior Officer (proudly): “Yes, sir.”
Bush” Y’all know the phrase ‘All Hat and No Cattle’?”
Junior Officer: “No, sir.”
Bush: “What were you planning to do when all the champagne was gone? And this better make more sense than that cow pie the donkey pin-heads were slingin’.”
Junior Officer: “We figured the champagne would hold out at least as long as we were on duty.”
Bush: “What about when the next shift came on?”
Junior Officer: “That would depend.”
Bush: “On what?”
Another Junior Officer (from the back): “On how drunk the first-class passengers were, sir.”
Bush: (laughing) “I guess that’s about right, isn’t it? Mr. Rove, see what you can do to keep these boys afloat. And then find me someone who knows how to run a tight ship.”
Rove (returning five minutes later): “Captain, I’m honored to introduce Miss Fannie and Mr. Freddie. They’re in finance and are among the richest people in the world.”
Bush: “Glad to meet you. How’d you become so rich?”
Fannie and Freddie: “We help the people in steerage.”
Bush: “You help the people in steerage! How in the world did you get rich doing that?”
Fannie and Freddie: “We’re in the American Dream Business.”
Bush: “That sounds like a darn good business. I’ve got to give you a lot of credit.”
Fannie and Freddie: “We already have unlimited credit.”
Bush: (whispering to Mr. Rove) “Did I give these people unlimited credit?”
Rove: “It’s the policy of the shipping line, sir. No questions asked. Even the donkey pins and junior officers approve.”
Bush: “Really? Doesn’t somebody have to pay for all this?”
Rove: “Not yet, sir.”
Fannie and Freddie: “Captain, we have a small request. This cruise seems to be going much too slowly. We’d like to go faster and also take a shorter route.”
Bush: “We’re going full speed. What’s faster than full speed?”
Fannie and Freddie: “Bubble speed, Captain.”
Bush: “I’ve never heard of that but if y’all say it’s a good idea, then that’s that. It’ll help the champagne shortage, too. Now, if those party-poopers wanted to take a more southerly route, I reckon you want us to take a more northerly route. Do I have that about right?”
Fannie and Freddie: “Absolutely.”
Bush: “And this northerly route, where does it take us?”
Fannie and Freddie: “We don’t know.”
Bush: “Really? So how do you know if we’re on course?”
Fannie and Freddie: “We can’t tell you.”
Bush: “How’d you calculate this route?”
Fannie and Freddie: “We didn’t calculate it, we derived it. We derived it using derivatives. Everyone uses derivatives to derive things like this.”
Bush: (whispering to Rove): “You’re sure they’re among the richest people in the world, Mr. Rove?”
Rove: “Absolutely.”
Bush: “And it’s our policy to give them unlimited credit?”
Rove: “Absolutely.”
Bush: “And they keep the people in steerage happy?”
Rove: “Absolutely.”
Bush: “But we don’t have to pay for any of this?”
Rove: “Not yet, sir.”
Bush: “Then let’s take that northerly route. Bubble speed, Mr. Greenspan. See to it that the champagne and ice flows tonight, Mr. Rove. And make sure you keep the donkey pin-heads away from the junior officers. If those boys get together, the champagne would be gone in a heartbeat.”
Rove: “That’s right, sir. This cruise wouldn’t be any fun at all if champagne ran out.”
End of ACT I
ACT II - The donkeys and the junior officers seriously miscalculate the proper ratio of champagne to ice
ACT III - The aptly named S.S. California creates problems for the first-class passengers
ACT IV - The cruise is not completed according to plan
Akte II bis IV noch nicht erschienen
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