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REMARKS BY PRESIDENT BUSH TO THE PEOPLE OF GERMANY REGARDING THE OUTCOME OF THEIR PARLIAMENTARY ELECTIONS

Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. Tonight, I am emerging from the family quarters of the White House to deliver a brief address to the people of Germany, who though they call themselves Christians, didn't spend today worshipping in the house of the one and only true Lord and savior Jesus Christ, but instead were casting un-American ballots in the very same voting booths the United States government was nice enough to set up for them after my daddy and his high school pals finished whooping their nasty kraut asses back in 1945.

This evening, with 99% of the votes having been counted, it pains me greatly to say that Chancellor Gerhard Schröder and his so-called"Social Democrats" appear to have held their grip on power. This, even after Mr. Schröder - or as I like to call him,"Herr GerSchröpo" - dared to state publicly last week that he is opposed to my utterly necessary and totally non-personal crusade to hunt down and ritualistically disembowel Saddam Hussein for making my daddy look like a Connecticut Yankee Ivy League pantywaist. And if that weren't bad enough, just days later, his Social Democrat Justice Minister - Herta Däbler-Gmelin - called me HITLER. Can you believe that? What did I ever do to her? I mean, just because she's a bitter and mannish lezbo named after a pint of ice cream, that's still no reason to go around comparing me to a German - even a super-famous and important one like Hitler.

Of course, what's most shocking and unbelievable about both these incidents is that they seem to have helped Herr GerSchröpo at the polls. And since I know for a fact that Katherine Harris was nowhere near Germany today, I can only assume that Chancellor Schröder actually won - which leaves me to make just one conclusion: that a majority of Germans are cowards. That's right, COWARDS. Cowards who hate the freedom and liberty that America represents. Cowards who are not with America. Cowards who are, instead, with the terrorists.

Now I also know that you Germans are Bavariacs, and I understand that Bavariacs are an irrational and mongoloidish people. And I know that you are perpetually drunk on beer that pales in comparison to Budweiser, and are often irritable as a result of the severe constipation caused by your wonderful all-protein diet of knockwurst, bratwurst and liverwurst. Furthermore, I know that you are also Europeans, and that only reason Europeans whine so damned much is that they're bitter as hell that all their best and brightest shipped out to America a long time ago and showed them up in every way imaginable. Yes, I know all about the deficiencies of the people of Germany. And frankly, its only the pity that knowledge fills me with that is keeping me from nuking the whole lot of you turncoat Nazi bastards into a wurst-scented blizzard of radioactive dust.

Tonight, Chancellor Schröder is attempting to assure the world that he will re-establish positive relations with me and my administration. He is mistaken. At least until such time as he puts his tail between his legs, spit-shines my alpha-dog sack, and gets back in line as a loyal supporter of my plans to invade and conquer the entire Middle East, starting with Iraq.

I figure that'll take about a week. Two weeks tops.

This concludes my remarks to the German people. Thank you, and God Bless America.