-->State Department Warns Americans Not To Act Like Americans
By R.O. Whatley Washington, D.C.

In what is believed to be its strongest travel advisory ever, the U.S. State
Department today warned Americans abroad not to act like Americans. The US
Embassy in Bangkok, Thailand proudly displays the red, white and blue flag
of France.

The advisory was issued simultaneously in Washington by State Department
spokesman Richard Boucher, and in The Hague by a man who, in halting Dutch,
denied he was U.S. Ambassador Clifford Sobel. Unlike previous alerts, which
have warned Americans to keep a low profile or avoid certain destinations,
the new advisory notes that it is now unwise to come across as American at
all. As a result, the State Department cautions U.S. citizens to avoid
behaviors that could cause them to be singled out as obviously American.
These include:
- the wearing of white socks and tennis shoes.
- complaining if asked to share a bathroom.
- threatening to sue over bad service, television reception, or weather.

In addition, U.S. citizens attempting to speak a foreign language are urged
to curb their Americanisms. For example:

Correct: Est-ce que vous l'avez aux autres couleurs?
Incorrect: Est-ce que vous, like, l'avez aux, like, autres couleurs?

The advisory immediately created turmoil overseas, particularly for U.S.
military personnel, who pretended to be French and were forced to surrender.

The alert also caused confusion at home, as it seems to contradict the U.S.
Department of Homeland Security, which has warned Americans not to act
un-American. In a press briefing this afternoon, White House spokesman Ari
Fleischer attempted to unravel the paradox."What we are saying is, when
you are in America, you need to behave like an American, particularly if you
are not American, or are Colin Powell. But when you are outside America, you
should not behave like an American, unless you are not American, in which
case we urge you to act American. Here I refer specifically to the NATO
representatives from Germany, France, and Belgium."

The advisory, Fleischer added, applies to all Americans, including President
Bush."When the President is traveling abroad, he will only act American
while aboard Air Force One or in the company of U.S. media. At all other
times, he will attempt to come across as Kosovian or Grecian." Reached for
comment in Brussels, U.S. Ambassador to NATO Nicholas Burns said,"Qing
wen,ren min gong yuan zai na li?
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It's become almost routine for members of the American press to throw dumb
or leading questions at members of the Bush administration. Maybe that's
one of the reasons why Secretary of State Colin Powell seemed so well
prepared for the shifty question recently hurled at him by an Iraqi
reporter.

According to the New York Post, one of Saddam's newshounds asked Powell,
"Isn't it true that only 13% of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?"

"That may be true," Powell countered."You're probably right. But
unfortunately for you, all 13% are Marines."