-->At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later
discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying
to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor,
a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft
said he believed the man was a member of the notorious
al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said."They desire
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off
on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret
code names like"x" and"y" and refer to themselves as"unknowns",
but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of
the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As
the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides
to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths
instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that
it is intent on protracting us from these maths-dogs who are
willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky
statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of
influence," the President said, adding:"Under the
circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our
point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned,"These weapons of maths instruction
have the potential to decimal everything in their maths on
a scale never before seen unless we become exponents of a
Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said,"As our Great Leader would
say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain
of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered
as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."